Surviving The Nightmare That Is Mingling As An Adult

I haven’t written in soo long! And I could write an entire post about why and how my life has changed, but that probably wouldn’t be that interesting for anyone, so let’s just pretend there isn’t like a two-year gap in this blog and all move on, like that never even happened. Sound good? Deal!

So…to many people I am very outgoing and seem comfortable in group settings, but a dirty little secret about myself is that I love my alone time. Like live in my house alone and can stay there by myself for at least a week before a voice in mind goes, “Wow, another human being hasn’t been within 50 feet of you in quite awhile”. While this lifestyle does lead to finishing some awesome home improvements and projects around the house as well as being on top of so many Netflix binges that I laugh in the face of spoilers, it does have the negative effect of not getting out there to meet people and enjoy their company. So I’ve been forcing myself lately to just go out to stuff when I don’t have any other pressing commitments. This can mean that I might not know anyone there for sure, but I haven’t been letting myself use not knowing someone or not having a friend to go with as an excuse. It’s definitely had mixed results. Showing up somewhere alone and walking into a room where everyone seems to be in a circle having a conversation while you wander around hoping to catch the eye of someone who will take pity on your clearly nomadic solo wander and turn their shoulders just slightly as an unspoken invitation to join their conversation is perhaps the most frightening experience an adult can go through. Okay, maybe not the most frightening, but it’s awkward as fuck. Tonight was actually the complete opposite, and I had a wonderful time with some amazing ladies who expressed similar thoughts on the subject during our conversation. So for everyone else who has ever suffered through this social anxiety jungle known as mingling, here are some of the techniques we’ve all done at some time during this adventure to survive that you should always keep handy just in case.

The Fake Phone Shuffle

This is pretty much a go to move for everyone nowadays. If you aren’t familiar, it involves looking at your phone like it’s the most interesting thing in the world, then casually bring your head up to look around the room, take a few steps and then go back to your phone screen. You can literally do entire laps of the venue with this technique while you search for someone to talk to. If you really start to struggle, there’s always the advance option of calling your voicemail with the bonus choice of throwing in a few “Okay”, “Yeah, I’m here now.” in the mix while you listen to the nice lady tell you to push an option or hang up now. Bonus points if you end the “conversation” with “Yeah, I love you too.”

The “Oh there you are!”

This is a good move when you sort of recognize someone like maybe they are your ex-roommates ex-business partner who you met at that Christmas party one time and you follow each other on Twitter but haven’t actually had a real conversation with before. It doesn’t matter how small the connection is in this situation; you should always seem overly excited to see someone that you barely know.

Smile, Nod, Laugh

If you find yourself in a circle by accident or on purpose you may suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to say things that might be uninteresting to those around you because let’s face it that line you’ve been saying in your head over and over again for the last 30 minutes is going to sound pretty rehearsed by now. If this happens, let others around you speak and take on the role of the good listener. When appropriate, Smile, Nod and Laugh. That’s it. Never speak. Just use these non-verbal communication techniques to show you are a happy, normal person who isn’t thinking about what PJs you are going to put on as soon as you get home. Be careful not to Laugh if they tell you something sad. This can backfire quickly. If it happens, pretend your phone vibrated, fake answer and say “Oh my god, but is the dog, okay?”. Look worried, yet relieved and run away. Don’t look back.

The Stealth Circle Join

This is an expert level skill and needs to be performed carefully. You can tie this into another technique like starting with a little Fake Phone Shuffle and easing into this one, but be careful of your transitions because it can lead to a lot of awkwardness if you jump in too soon. Basically, with this, you are going to try and make eye contact with someone just long enough that they think, “Hmm, do I know them?”. This will cause them to turn their body just enough that it opens a spot in the circle they are apart of. Once there, you have a choice of pulling out an Oh There You Are if you by chance know them or a Smile, Nod, Laugh. If performed correctly your Stealth Circle Join should leave everyone in the circle convinced that you must know the person beside them.

The Real Friend

This is rare but is a gift that you should never look down on. This is when you actually see someone you know. Like you are Facebook friends and can spell/pronounce each other’s names properly level of knowing them. When this happens, depending on how much Fake Phone Shuffle you’ve had to do in the evening, you might feel like it’s a mirage. Like them being there is a trick of the light, but don’t be afraid! This can turn your evening around and open the door to the people they know. Sometimes this can back fire if they are just about to leave and you might be tempted to pull the “Oh yeah, I was leaving too.” Try to resist that! But never, never avoid the real friend. If you have to walk away from them, it’s a good idea to keep checks on them as they move about the space, so you don’t lose track and start to panic that the only person you know left without saying goodbye. Try using a quick Fake Phone Shuffle to cover up your eye stalking; it’s a polite thing to do.

The Last Resort

When all else fails and if you are completely alone with no opportunity for any moves listed above, The Last Resort is going full in, walking up to someone and introducing yourself by speaking your name in a slow, understandable manner and if appropriate extending your hand in a signal to initiate a handshake. Sometimes this works. Sometimes you’re the weird person that keeps touching everyone. It’s a tough call on how this will go, but when all else fails, it’s worth a shot.

Good luck at your mingling folks, remember we are all feeling just as awkward as you, we are all just too awkward to say it out loud.