I’m a woman who grew up playing sports, tagging along with my brothers and having majority male friends, but over the years I’ve learned how to be comfortable with my gender and everything it brings with it. Being a woman in our society definitely comes with advantages and disadvantages, as well as some societal norms and views that you have to learn to deal with.
Sure, I can get over how we women are still seen as the main drives for our families. Or the fact of how we’re expected to juggle work and personal life with a smile and pleasant attitude no matter what life brings us. I can get over the small comments that the men in my life make without even thinking about how they come off or make me feel in the course of day because it’s normal, it’s accepted and I’m expected to just deal. I can even get over the movies, T.V. shows and advertisements that teach us as girls and women to value our appearance, sexuality and how we need to depend on others instead of focusing on our intelligence, strength and what we can build for ourselves. But there’s one thing in everything we do in our treatment of women as society that I just can’t deal with anymore. I’ve seen it my whole life and it’s time for it to stop.
Men and women of the world, forget equality, forget combating the different treatment women employees still receive in work situations, forget salaries differences, forget making our daughters proud, strong and immune to the objectification they will face in their lives. No, there’s a bigger issue to stop. The pantyhose.
In every movie I’ve seen when a woman in beautiful dress or form fitted skirt goes through the action of pulling on a sheer set of pantyhose it’s portrayed in sensual manner. They slowly slide the pantyhose gracefully up their legs with ease, transforming their long shapely calves in to perfect legs that men around them long to touch. Ladies, it’s time to take a stand to stop this ridiculous play on reality. Pantyhose, tights, stockings and garter belts though they have been portrayed as the sexiest part in any woman’s dressing routine, they are in reality impossible.
For those men out there who have never seen the process in real life and women who are saying, “It’s really not that bad”, let me remind us all of the technique we really use to pull on these items of desire.
First, comes figuring out whether they are right side out. How do we do this? Pull the leg holes on to our arms of course! If inside out this will facilitate the ability to flip them the right way. If they are the right way, we can start rolling down from the top to toe so we can pull them on just like socks. The first leg isn’t too bad, we pull it up just about our calves before pulling on the second leg. Now, here’s a moment when we all pause. If we’re standing, we contemplate continuing in the standing position like we’ve seen in all those great movie scenes. For anyone who has had a pantyhose trip incident, you know that at this point it’s in everyone’s best interest to sit or at least lean on an object that will support your weight. As a side note, ironing boards do NOT work well as such objects.
Once we’ve got both feet and calves in to the pantyhose, we begin a variety of methods to finish the clothing procedure. In the movies, the women slowly work the pantyhose up their legs with ease. They flow across the skin smoothly. To watch this in reality, is less than a smooth affair. We grab, we pinch, we pull and then repeat. Slowly bringing the material up our legs. Once it’s far enough we can attempt a waist line pull. Now this is tricky and you can’t apply too much force or risk a run. Risking a run at this stage would mean aborting the whole pantyhose procedure. Some of us, when we attempt our waist line pull, we jump just slightly in the hopes that if our feet aren’t touching the ground, it will allow the pantyhose to more easily move up our legs. We then we return to the grab, pinch, pull procedure to get the pantyhose up over our bottoms. Now, some people can stop here. The people who fit the perfect one size fits all pantyhose pattern. For most of us, it continues by doing a mini-lunge wiggle action coupled with a waist line pull. And then we are done. The pantyhose are on. Personal best time, 56 seconds flat. No runs. But please, don’t attempt it as an amateur.
What about those single leg stockings? They must move a little better. Well, the “Stay Up” kind, sure they are easier to pull on, less risk of tripping, but through out the day you feel that constant urge to grab your thigh and ensure they won’t fall down. Garters? Great in theory! But have you tried to buckle something to a thin piece of silk behind your leg? For any of you hockey players out there, think how hard it is to do that with thick hockey socks and how awkward you look sitting on dressing room bench reaching under your leg. Is that sexy? You never see that in the movies!
In closing I send out a final plea. Stop worrying about changing society’s accepted views of women. Stop trying to make the world a more equal place to live with no quiet inside jokes and accepted generalizations. Stop teaching your sons to respect women and stop empowering your daughters to be strong “people” not just strong “women”. Please, PLEASE people of world, forget everything and just stop the pantyhose.